Resuming live appearances

Added Monday 24th March 2025: -

Since returning to playing live music, I've been wanting to express some thoughts, so here goes...

I've been feeling really conflicted about standing in a room and playing music for people since our lives as a family were shattered six months ago.
It's been difficult trying to find some kind of new normality since our beloved Alex was killed back in September. Every day is a struggle, and what has happened and its ongoing repercussions dominate my thoughts constantly.
I've found the only thing I'm able to do that is so intense that it enables me to feel completely focused and 'in-the-moment' is playing live music.
Whilst playing, there's so much to concentrate on, and the adrenaline is flowing, which enables me to shut real life out for a while. It's my safe space.
It takes a lot of strength and effort to get myself up for loading the car, leaving the house, travelling, setting up and sound checking, but as soon as I start playing, it's like flicking a switch, and a complete juxtaposition to how I feel the rest of the time. I feel like I'm somebody else... somebody better. It seems to form a protective bubble that the realities of life can't quite permeate.
The first time I played in public after Alex was taken from us, I felt so guilty, and hated myself for even thinking about doing it, never mind actually doing it. However, a Grief Therapist that I was seeing encouraged me, and told me that if there's anything that gives even a little bit of respite from the sorrow, trauma, and dark thoughts that pervade every waking hour, to grab it with both hands and not feel guilty about doing so.
She convinced me that it's what Alex would want me to do, and I felt I needed to try my hardest to try to be the best version of myself and carry on in his memory.
Everything I do, I do with Alex, our daughter Katherine, and my wife Bryony in my heart. We all have very different ways of coping with our devastating loss, and for the time being, playing music is proving a valuable part of my coping mechanism.